i love you..

On raya eve, my feeling to him activated back.

that kind of heartbeat, smile and shyness came back stroke at me.

even from the day i went n eat with him during his break time i felt nervous n shy.

i lined up behind him at wendy's, seeing his back that i miss so much.

i hardly look straight into his eyes cuz i feel..shy lol

i thought it was nothing. but sometimes i miss him. i thought it was nothing also.

then when i went n gave him the jam that i bought from cameron..i somehow feel nervous again seeing him n chatting with him. i feel unexpected n try not to think so much even though i got tell soolee bout this xD

when he invited me to go for movie..lol i think too much that time xD i feel like wanna watch with him alone xD

silly me zz.. n i feel like wanna sit beside him zzz

on raya eve dunno why my eyes keep on sticking on his back even when hes driving i looked at the window to reflect his image so that i can see him. walked behind him following his steps..

and i really sat beside him when movie time lol. i didnt sit with him on purpose ok== 

and i really didnt cakar him on purpose TT.. soolee left me alone n he became my mangsa XD i tried not to lean on him but..i nid to hold on something xD

that time he kept on seeing soolee i was so fed up n wanna exchange seat with either him or soolee so that they can see together n i wont be the barrier==

kinda sad actually hahahahaha

then..when i back home.. i thought of him a while.. n he appeared in my dream==

my heart beats so fast and hard juz like last time.. until i was awoke n it keeps beat fast.. theres where i realize my feeling towards him came back.

i juz.. couldnt let go. its like something trapped inside my heart n will never fade.

seeing him is like breaking the spell that locks my feeling inside.

 honestly i tracked him all the time in fb. how his life goes n who is he with.

currently.. i feel happy n relieved since his current one looks better.

but.. i started to worry again hearing that they lose contact with each other..

although hearing this makes me think of silly thing again but im more to scare that he will get hurt again.. no.. dont.

hes juz too precious to be broken into pieces. maybe its only my thought la..

after hearing how kah en treated him made me feel more sad.. its like im giving him chance to make himself hurt. i shouldnt let him to choose.. shouldnt let him go.. my fault..

i met him today to ask him every question that are running in my mind all these years.

i got most of the answers and i told him something that i shouldnt.

and i got the ans that i expected even though i didnt want that answer that he gave.

its good also cuz i feel horrible to even tell him that. i dont wanna break them up.

and i know my position too. even though its not gonna last but after all im still not single yet.

i told him how much i loved him and maybe now also la but... i still feel like my words cant really express that exact much that i love him. so im still not satisfy with this xD

he means the world for me that i could do everything for him n give him everything that he wants.

its juz way too far from the love to myself.

i wish to love someone else the way i love him but dunno why my heart tells me i wont.

hopefully someday i will la.. but before meeting the one i cant lie to myself but my heart will certainly keep him inside forever until i meet the one who is meant to me. although i told him i will let him go xD

i remember many things happened in these 3 years that i love him but not all since im so absent minded xD

but.. i rmb that he always did very little movement n made my day for few days n probably few weeks if theres nothing he did that put me down.

how can someone makes me feel so?

and his tiny movement or words could make me cry for nights.

i still rmb i helped him to write an essay first before writing mine, giving him better points than myself. and i sent to him thru sms xD

and i always reloaded my credit juz to text him, no one else could be the reason that i reload my credit.

i will wait for his reply until i fell asleep, awoke saw his reply happy like im dreaming that im in heaven.

he distracted me from studies? yes but no.

yes is when he made me sad, i lost my concentration.

no is i know i need to study so that he wont feel guilty. i wish for better future for us.

i was so disappointed when he started with kah en while hes the one who told me to study first.

i waited for him excitedly thinking that its the last year that i need to wait. cant wait to spend my future with him, wish to give him happiness and colourful life.

if we really started after form5 without kah en.. im very certain that im still with him now, with minimum fights between us. and also my feeling on him wont fade up until now.

and my grades will be better for sure. we will give each other time to study and motivate each other. but im not sure if he will find another one over there or not la..xD 

i will trust him until i catch him with my own eyes n hands.

but it all... didnt come true. i didnt even hold his hand once (palm to palm)..

i didnt have the chance to give him happiness.. to stand beside him when hes tired, sad, demotivated, and other problems that he faced, i didnt get to be with him at that times.

i actually wanna ask him if we can be together when the nex time we meet each other somewhere that we r still single and have feeling to each other.

but... he told me that its very mafarn to intro me into Islam so.. i also duwanna mafarn him and scare to cause trouble to his family. my family? i will try my best to settle them down.

i asked my mum last time if i covert to Islam nex time how. she said... not really agree but if it really happens then what to do, have to agree lo cuz its my choice.

this might be the last post for this blog unless something between us happens.

if that so, hopefully it will be a good one=)

juz now we texted n he juz found out how much i love him.

and he told me im his best fren ever. with !!! somemore==

he didnt know how hurt for me reading that sentence.

i cried on the spot for a while, forcing myself to reply him with a smile.

i didnt know how much he loved me... but it doesnt matter cuz i know myself how much that i love him..^^

i know its silly but... thats me whenever its about him..=)

i wish that i can touch ur face.. look straight into ur eyes and tell u how much i love you.. how i wish i could be the one who stands beside you.. how i wish.. my eyes can record how ur life goes... how i wish..

i love you elmy..

but what i can do now is to wish u the best in ur life that u chose n u living in.

i cant stop my tears!! gonna end this.

take care, my precious one..=)